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05 October 2011 @ 12:39 pm
I was going to have a really good day today. It's been a while. We were going to take Matt to work, get cappuccino and come home and I was going to do absolutely nothing important, just whatever I felt like for the first time in at least two months.

 Matt bundled Moya up in the car while I got settled in and then he called me over to his side of the car. There was our cat. Lying on her side looking perfectly normal but very obviously dead. She would have been eleven in March.

 I got her when she was four months old, Sept. 10th, 2001, and spent the better part of the next year and a half breaking down all the walls she'd put up after being in the abusive home I took her from. As much as I loved that cat... she chose me. The first time I picked her up she wrapped her front legs around my neck as much as she could and hung on for dear life. She was so afraid I was going to hand her back. She hid under my seat on the drive home and slept with me, under the covers, that night. Breaking news about terrorist attacks woke us the next morning.

 It was slow going getting her to use a litter box, cats that have their paws mutilated tend to not like digging in fine, sharp gravel funnily enough. But I was patient and she was smart and with a lot of treats by November she was using it without fail.

 She kept me company on the long two hour drives to visit my parents, tucked into her carrier on the front seat, facing me so she wouldn't get scared. But she was always good on car rides. Until the last half hour when, after being asleep, she'd feel the need to remind me that she was there and curl her paw into a fist so she could punch me in the arm. Literally. She never swiped, she always curled her paw and punched. I thought it was the funniest thing.

 And then Matt was finally allowed into the country. We got home late that night but the moment he flopped onto the couch Sasha was in his lap, rubbing and purring and sniffing (she always sniffed so loud you could hear it). He asked me: "Is this my cat?" She liked him and I knew that meant something; he was the only person other than myself that she had ever warmed to in the three and a half months that I'd had her. It took almost a year and a half for her not to hide when other people were around.

 In that year and a half I almost got her over her fear of brushes. She did get over her fear of raised voices, loud noises and also needles by watching me get my shots every day; at the very start whenever she'd see me try to get one she'd try to get the needle away from me. And not so she could play with it. Eventually she realized it wasn't a bad thing. She even learned the schedule for my shots & snacks and if I was late she would let me know. When my blood got particularly low she would sit and watch me eat, never begging for food, just making sure I ate until she was satisfied I'd had enough. And if she thought I needed more, she'd let me know.

 In 2004 my sister nearly died in a car crash. She needed someone to take care of her Chinchilla while she healed and ended up asking me to keep him. It was love at first sight. Sasha would sleep on a chair pushed right up against his cage and he would sleep wedged into that corner, against her as much as he could be. She'd flip her tail into his cage for him to play with. And when he was out he always ran straight for her; they'd curl up and sleep together in front of the tv. And on Friday nights when I watched Doctor Who, I'd have them both curled into me.

  When Martin finally died Sasha wandered the apartment looking for him for weeks. She kept checking his cage and his toys, his favorite places. Eventually she understood and I couldn't really fault her when she acted out for a little while.

 But life goes on and soon enough we made a new one. She, of course, knew I was pregnant before anyone else and spent the next nine months camped out on my ever growing belly. She'd never been happier. Or more comfortable! But she wasn't quite sure how to react when this tiny, wrinkly thing was brought back to the house. Whenever Moya cried, which wasn't all that often, Sasha was right there in spaz mode; worried and wanting it fixed. She didn't like Moya at first but it wasn't long before I had them both in my lap. Until Moya began crawling. And for a while Sasha didn't like her again. And then walking happened and suddenly they were best friends.

 First thing in the morning, after a nap, upon entering the house Moya would go to find Sasha. If Sasha wasn't tucked into her room and Moya was in hers the cat was always right at Moya's door waiting for her to get up. We'd have to tuck her away at lunch and supper because it was far too tempting to sit under Moya's chair and let Moya lean over to share her food. Meaning Sasha got all the food because having a cat eating out of your hand is apparently the funniest, tickliest, most interesting thing EVER.

 I am not a cat person. I have never been a cat person. Not that I don't like them, I do. And I've always had them but I am a dog person through and through. But Sasha was different. She was loyal and affectionate and yes, to a point, clingy. She was smart and she was beautiful. She was the softest thing I ever touched. She had no balance and very little grace, got embarrassed easily, didn't meow for the first two years that we had her, had issues with the litter box off and on and was the master bug hunter. And for a very long time she was the only friend I had. When I was left alone with nothing to do for so many years, uncertain as to why my husband wanted nothing to do with me I had her. She loved me when no one else did, she wanted me around when I was too boring, or too married, too much a mom or just too damned responsible and adult for anyone else. Life would have been so lonely and so very boring without her. No matter how awful things were I always had her.

 But not today. Today my lap is empty and my ankles cold. Today Moya is watching Sesame Street curled up on the loveseat alone, no gray ball of fuzz to fight over the throw blanket with. Today the food bowl is full, the littler box untouched, the window empty. Today no one will warm my lap, purring happily while I have my tea in front of the tv while Moya takes her nap.

 Today Sasha is gone.

Current Mood: depresseddepressed
23 September 2011 @ 04:01 pm
It has been a less than stellar week.

Monday sucked. Tuesday sucked. Wednesday was God awful, Thursday not much better. We went to lunch today which was nice I guess, but we're broke from Matt having time off and they're making him work tomorrow. 11-8. In Columbia.

He still hasn't sent off his immigration stuff. His mother and I finished it for him last Friday. He needs to copy one thing and I've reminded him every day.

And Moya still thinks that every car driving by is Nana and Daddad coming back to the house. Every nap she wakes up from she goes running to the dining room window to yell for Daddad to come in and hug her. Three times I've caught her running down the hall with a drawing yelling "Nana, I'm coming" because she's drawn a picture for her and is hoping she's hiding in Matt's room (the guest room). And every single time I tell her that they're not here, that they went home she looks so sad.

For half an hour yesterday she insisted that Daddad was outside and that we needed to go out and see him. She just knew he was out back working. She got upset, whimpery, a couple of times yesterday when I had to remind her they weren't here. But worst of all was Monday afternoon when I was trying to put a movie on because she was unhappy. I asked her if she wanted to sit in Nana's chair; (Moya gave us all assigned seats while they were here XD ) her face lit up and she went running: "Yeah, I'll get the door!"

Because she thought I meant Nana was home and they were going to sit there together. She looked absolutely devastated when I told her Nana wasn't there. I was the worst mom ever that day.

She still looks so disappointed when I say they're not here. She cries every morning when Matt gets out of the car and most of the week she's been completely glued to me.

It's very quiet and boring and lonely now and this week feels like it's been a year. They left on Monday and though the absence is still so raw it feels like it's been ages. It almost feels like they were never here except for the fact that they've left little pieces of themselves all over the house; daddad's knife sharpened pencil at my desk, Nana's exotic shower gel in the bathroom, tea from England on the microwave, the gossamer winged faery sitting in my bedroom, a stack of shortbread just for me that I haven't been able to bring myself to break into because I don't want it to be gone. The new swing set in the backyard.

It's been a rough week and to top it off our internet is barely working. This was definitely a week when a little more distraction would have been good. I'll be glad when it's October.
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
14 September 2011 @ 11:14 pm
Four days and a couple of hours.

That's how long we have until Matt's parents fly home.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I am dreading this; it's already hard to think about. I can't even ask Matt what day he goes back to work because I don't want him thinking about when they're gone. And Moya is going to be devastated. She's gotten used to a house full of people all focused on her and in one stroke she's going to lose them all.

She already cries when anyone leaves the house, whenever she has to go to bed because she's afraid someone will go while she's sleeping. I'm probably going to have a very sad little girl clinging to me for quite some time. She's going to be so crushed. And I'll be lonely, I was the last time when they left. It's nice having people around. Especially people like them. And while I really, really hope that it isn't years between visits, it doesn't get easier saying goodbye just because the gaps are smaller.

This is going to be hard.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
12 August 2011 @ 10:58 am
I felt the need to share this because it's awesome and everyone should have to see it!

Current Mood: amusedamused
05 August 2011 @ 10:54 am
OMFG. If you are not only rich but also famous, stop playing the freaking lottery you unbelievable jackass!

On top of that, don't then tell everyone you bought a freaking $300 dress, just because. You are SUCH A FREAK.

Nice, honey, does not make up for stupid.


 - end rant
20 July 2011 @ 11:50 am
I am ready for summer to be over. It's 100+ out there right now and at the hottest part of the day I have to pack the baby up into a car with no a/c and go pick Matt up from work. This does not make me happy. This does not make her happy. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of not being able to breathe and of being so sick every day that all I do is sit here and accomplish nothing.

His parents are flying over the first week of Sept. and I have a lot to do before they get here. Which isn't going to get done if I have to keep hauling his ass back and forth. *sigh*

I have so much to do even if they weren't coming over that it's just about impossible to wrap my head around.

On a side note, trying to piece my story together... I have over 1,200 files, each about 1/2 a chapter long, 2 notebooks and a hiking boot box full of loose papers on this story to deal with. So I figure it will be done when I'm about 70. That's not quite how it was supposed to go.

In unrelated things. I owe a music post and a picture post in one of these journals. Guess I'll sort out which one when I actually get around to making them. And if anyone plays GW or RoM please let me know! And if you don't play... Start! You know you want to... :p

And I seriously want to start playing on Earthen Ring so I can play on their new server site. Lookie: earthenring.net/

I do have a human and a worgen there... <_<

Also, despite the heat, I still want to buy about twenty pairs of these: www.sockdreams.com/products/sock-collections/plus-sized/extraordinary-harvest-rainbow-thigh-highs       I love them stupidly much.

And also, Toy Story movies are evil. Movies about toys should not ever be sad. Just sayin'.
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Emilie Autumn: Juliet
05 July 2011 @ 08:50 pm
I haven't posted here in years. I've meant to and written things in documents instead or just not bothered.

And by the way, if you're not sure how you found yourself here, or more to the point, if you're not sure why I showed up watching you you probably know me through alaias_stories or possibly mairynn. I figured since I was starting this up again I'd go and add the people I actually like to my friends list. XD

Although tonight I have very little say except I am SO READY for fall. This heat is seriously killing me and I'd like no more trips to the hospital because of it!

And on a happy note, Cris' player is off having a baby right now!

On a not so happy note... wtf am I going to do with Alaia?! XD
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: The Cruxshadows - Dragonfly
12 November 2004 @ 05:16 pm
Shadow Spawned

I know you. I have seen you. I have watched you far longer than you could imagine. I have watched you ALL, Seen you all. I know things about you that no one else knows, things you want to keep secret, things you have long forgotten. I have been here in these shadows longer than you have been alive. I saw your arrival here, I saw your birth. I have seen your deaths and even your rebirths. I have seen you tear one another down and build one another up. I have seen this place destroyed and rebuilt greater time and again. I have seen your wars and your battles, your joys and pains, your loves and your losses. I have seen the dark fall to the light, the light to the dark, good turn to evil and evil to good. I know your secrets, I know your hearts, I know your wishes, your desires and I have seen your souls. I know who you were, who you are and who you may yet become. I have seen it all. I have watched and listened and waited. And now it is my time. Now I will walk among you, no longer the shadow spawn that I was made to be, for I have broken from my chains and now I take a human form...
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: The Cure: The End of the World
20 October 2004 @ 02:55 am
She walked stumbling from the tree line, her shoulders slumped slightly, and from her hand, though it was in fact wrapped most of the way up her arm, dangled a rather thick, mutated sort of vine, so warped that it looked almost more tentacle like. There was quite a length of the wriggling thing being drug along behind her as she moved and where it wrapped about her and squeezed her arm it had burrowed into the flesh so deeply that it almost looked painted on rather than wrapped around her.

Blood seeped from her arm and over the vine, dripping on the ground as she stumbled along and as she moved into moonlight a trench like wound could be seen winding it's way around her left ankle where, in their fight, the thing had grabbed onto her in an attempt to pull her close enough to grab an arm. It had left lash marks as well, the worst of which ran up over her jaw line and cheek bone, in it's efforts to pull her closer. She moved both weakly and warily now.

The mist had brought her here but this was not where she intended to be. While she knew she needed help she couldn't ask for it and wouldn't even know how. She looked longingly toward her room as she neared, wishing that she had the energy to call on the mists to take her there. But she had used what was left to get here. If only she could get to her room away from everyone and just go to sleep. She didn't want to die here where there were people and she would be damned if this thing was going to hang on and leech off of her until the end. She sank to her knees then against the wall near the door and pulled a dagger from the belt at her waist. Though she would not be able to hack at the thing without cutting herself in this state, she did not care.

It almost seemed to screech as she cut into it and it did move though it only seemed to tighten on her arm and cause the blood to flow more freely as she hacked at it, digging into her own flesh as well, using up what little energy she had. She shuddered then as it attempted to tighten and burrow in to escape her blade and paused for a moment to let her head rest back against the inn wall, her eyes closing as she attempted to gather enough energy to finish this.

Yvonne heard a soft thump against the outer wall, and moved around the bar. "Excuse me, love..." She moved to the door, and glanced outside toward the source of that thump.

As the girl began to slice at the thing once more, her whole body began to shake so weak was she from the effort of it.

"Nereja?" Yvonne watched her for a moment, not fully comprehending the gravity of the situation, but then Nereja began to shake. "Oh burn me! Nereja!" She slipped out the door and rushed to the girl's side, ready to help, though she was completely uprepared for what the girl was fighting with.

Nereja shuddered as her grip loosened on the blade and she turned hollowed eyes toward Yvonne. Though she no longer had the energy to speak she held the blade toward the other woman in the hopes that she might be able to finish this for her.

She could see how far Nereja was fading, and understood what she wanted. She took the blade, her free hand taking hold of the thing latched onto her friend and began to saw into it.

As Yvonne took the blade from her she let her eyes slip closed finally and though she didn't quite pass out she wasn't exactly conscious anymore either but as long as that thing was gone before she died she was happy.

She gripped into the thing as tight as she could, her nails digging into it's "flesh" as it had dug into Nereja's. The knife slipped through it, wiggling in her hand, the screeching grew of a high pitch as she severed part of it completely.

As she severed it it loosened it's hold and slowly went limp, falling away from Nereja's arm, though she did not move but to shudder just slightly at its release.

Jaarwyn had seen Yvonne walk outside, but it hadn't seemed as if she had left... she wondered slightly.

She watched in frozen curiosity of this thing as it released itself. She almost forgot Nereja, but suddenly was reminded as the woman fell against the Hall. "Oh blast me with the sun!!!!!" Her voice would have been heard well by those within the halls as the fear in her voice grew more now that Nereja had started to slip into unconsciousness. She seized the girl under her arms, and lifted her the best she could, half carrying, half dragging her toward the door.

Jaarwyn stood at the sound of Yvonne's voice, slamming the book in front of her close, a spell immediately locking it as she ran towards the door. "Yvonne??"

Yvonne appeared in the doorway, holding Nereja tightly as she attempted getting to one of the soft couches to lay her upon without falling or dropping her.

Jaarwyn quickly moved in on the other side of Nereja's limp body, her eyes meeting with Yvonne's briefly to let her know that she would help... together, they moved her to a couch...

Yvonne took Jaarwyn's help thankfully, not speaking, but as the lay her down, she knelt beside her, patting her cheeks lightly, ignoring the fact that she appears to have had a bucket of blood dumped on her. "Nereja? Nereja!"

Utopia looked up as Yvonne and Jaar brought Nereja in she set the bottle of sweetnecter down and moved quickly toward the couch. "What happened to her?"

Nereja's breathing had slowed as her pale flesh took on a greyish tinge though she was still alive and bleeding.

Jaarwyn did all she could, but healing others was not a specialty of hers... she merely stayed near Yvonne, in case anything needed to be fetched.
Current Mood: hyperhyper
Current Music: Billie Holiday: The Very Thought of You